Sharing Secret Selves
by FiveRoses
Summary: Jane and Lisbon are e-mailing each other under pseudonyms, and each is therefore happily oblivious of the real identity of their new-found correspondent. "You've Got Mail", anyone?
1. Sharing Secret Selves

_Okay, this is a bit of a "You've Got Mail" story for Jane and Lisbon. Once the idea occurred to me, I found it completely impossible to resist the urge to immediately sit down and write it. I was, as my Dad always used to put it in the stories he told us when we were kids, 'overcome with temptation'! (And for those kindly reading and reviewing _Red Tags_, I will still continue writing for that as the inspiration strikes.)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or even this idea, since Nora Ephron got there first (though I'm sure we all think about this quite a bit, since we all spend so much time interacting with people we've never met on the internet!)_

* * *

**Sharing Secret Selves**

Lisbon was sitting comfortably on her bed, leaning back against her pillows, her legs stretched out in front of her and her laptop on her lap. She was typing with quick intensity.

"_The thing is, I love being alone (most of the time). People seem to think that there is something a little odd about a person who enjoys their solitude, but for me it's quite simply a relief. I never had any peace and quiet when I was growing up, and I had a lot of responsibility from a young age, so the moment I was able to free myself from the obligation of having to care for other people, I took the gap and never looked back. Perhaps I am psychologically damaged – and selfish – but I do love the freedom to just be by myself and consult no-one's preferences but my own. At first I was almost pathetically relieved to be on my own, but now I'm so set in my ways that I almost can't imagine sharing my life with anyone again. The very idea seems foreign and fantastical. Is it strange that I find the idea that someone might come along and sweep me off my feet rather dreadful?"_

She hit the send button, and then moved the laptop over onto the middle of the bed so that she could get up. Experience told her that Shadow's reply would take about 15 minutes to come through, so she went downstairs to try and find something edible. She had left work rather late that evening and hadn't had the energy to stop for groceries, so the cupboard was rather bare. After a busy, stressful week like the one she had just had, the pickings were always a little slim. She briefly considered the few not terribly appetising looking leftovers in her fridge before pitching them into the garbage. In the end she found she had some bread in her freezer (not exactly what she'd been looking for, but better than nothing), so she made herself some toast and tea and decided that would have to do.

Clutching her spoils, she hurried back upstairs to see if Shadow's reply had come through. A familiar little thrill of pleasure went through her when she saw that a mail had appeared in her inbox. Hurriedly setting down her food and jumping back into her bed, she pulled her laptop back onto her lap and opened Shadow's message.

"_Not at all. I know exactly what you mean. It takes a lot of effort to get your life going along so smoothly that it essentially runs itself, freeing you up to just relax and 'be' sometimes. It's boring always having to rehash the same thought processes all the time – what to eat, what to wear, what to do with your free time, etc. When you're on your own, you can effectively stop worrying about those things – eat whatever's in the fridge (and only buy exactly what you like), wear whatever's on the top of the pile of clean laundry, sleep or read or stare at the ceiling whenever you don't have to work. It leaves the mind free to think about interesting things. Other people are admittedly very diverting distractions, but they are hard work, especially when you're in a romantic relationship. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to trade in something that works for you for something that could potentially be a massive disaster._

"_I had a very solitary childhood. It was just my dad and me, and we moved all the time, so I got used to keeping my feelings and confidences to myself. That's why writing to you is so strange and new for me. Confiding in another person is not something I've ever done willingly or easily, though I did try when I was married (not terribly successfully, but I think she gave me points for the effort). In the end, though, I was a failure as a husband, so I too value the safety of my solitude. Not that I'm saying that you are playing it safe necessarily, but I certainly am. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not, and having people depend on me is really not my strong suit. I let people down. Consider yourself warned."_

Lisbon found that a really sad summation for a man to make of his life. She was surprised that he had told her that he had been married once. They didn't normally divulge any personal details about themselves, despite the intimate nature of their correspondence. Neither wanted to ruin what they had by changing the rules that they had instinctively set up when they first started to write to each other. Both were pathologically cautious about anonymous internet relationships, but neither had been able to resist the pull that they had felt for each other.

It had started a few weeks earlier, when Lisbon had been offering her opinion on a message board that had caught her fancy. She quite often surfed the net in the evenings, looking up things that interested her and getting into lively discussions with total strangers about anything that amused or intrigued her. The anonymity of it appealed to her. She found it very freeing.

She had been on one such board when she had first received a private message from Shadow, saying how much he was enjoying reading her comments, and then launching into one of the wittiest, most entertaining letters she had read in a long while.

Her natural instinct was to distrust, even though everything about the letter appealed to her. This guy could be anyone from anywhere – a woman pretending to be a man for a joke, a precocious teenage boy looking for a thrill, a psycho stalker, Red John even. But Lisbon found herself drawn to him, charmed by him, somehow prepared to believe he was just a smart, funny guy who liked her. She wrote back, and that, as they say, was that.

How they had slipped so quickly and easily from light, witty letters about current events and the state of the nation to telling each other deeply personal things that neither had ever revealed to another human being was still a bit of a mystery to Lisbon. She had never known it could be so liberating to share her innermost thoughts with someone; to trust them with the real Lisbon whom she normally kept safely hidden under many layers of Kevlar-strength protection. Part of her still thought she was crazy to be so open with an anonymous internet contact, but she was completely addicted, both to her new friend and to her own ability to talk to him about herself. She spent every free moment she had writing to him. He hadn't let her down yet.

00000

Jane waited apprehensively for Orion's reply. He had revealed a little more than he had intended to in his last message, and had had a panicky desire to snatch it back the moment after he sent it. Now he sat and wondered if Orion would be put off by the knowledge that he had been married. She probably thought he was divorced, and he wasn't going to disabuse her of the notion. Would she think less of him? Pull away? It's not like this was in any way a romantic relationship, though, so there was no reason for her to be deterred by his failures as a husband. She'd said herself that she wasn't looking for that kind of relationship from anyone, least of all him.

They were just confidants. Mail correspondents. Long distance friends. She liked him because they could talk to each other. If he'd crossed a little unspoken line in mentioning a personal detail about himself, it was because it was inevitable. Although they had both been extremely careful not to mention their professions or family members or anything that could be used as an identifier, the more they talked and confided in each other, the harder it became not to reference those things.

Jane's fixed stare at the screen was finally broken by a little 'ping' that announced the arrival of Orion's response. Jane opened it, a trifle nervously.

"_Confiding in someone is not something that I've ever pictured myself doing, but with you it's as easy as falling off a log. I trust you, even though it's crazy to trust someone I've never even met and it goes against everything that normally makes me me! And right now, I'm perfectly happy with my new-found foolishness._

_So, yes, I love our correspondence, and would greatly miss it if it were to end, but life is full of disappointing endings. It is perhaps a little dramatic to chalk every ending up to your own failure as a man, don't you think? Endings are inevitable, built into the structure of the universe. While I admire your capacity to take responsibility for your own failings, there is no need to be maudlin about it! I'm considering starting a self-help group called Martyrs Anonymous. Perhaps you'd like to join?_

_So, you consider people to be diverting distractions, do you? I'm not altogether sure if I do. I find people rather draining, by and large. I'm not sure I really want to be distracted from the peaceful familiarity of my own thoughts. I know some people thrive on constantly trying to read other people's body language and pry into their thoughts, but I'm happy to let sleeping dogs lie. I much prefer it if everyone just minds their own business. I suppose I'm just not as interested in other people as perhaps I should be – though I still maintain that a morbid curiosity about every detail of other people's lives is even more unhealthy!"_

Jane gave a big smile. He should have known by now that Orion wouldn't let him get away with being 'maudlin', as she so amusingly put it. She had a teasing streak a mile wide, and didn't suffer foolishness gladly.

Should he tell her that he was one of those people with an unhealthily morbid curiosity? The idea seemed to offend her somewhat. Clearly there was someone in her life who was always trying to pry into her business and she didn't like it. He rather sympathised with the offender. Who wouldn't want to pry into her life? He was just unbelievably lucky that he was getting this unexpected glimpse into her hitherto secret world. He didn't want to blow it, but since she had told him that she trusted him, he decided that he had no option but to be truthful.

"_Oh, you'd be amazed at how completely I can avoid taking responsibility for things. It's a topic my boss never gets tired of discussing! But, yes, I do tend to go overboard about things sometimes – too little responsibility in some areas and maybe too much in others. I am not an especially well-balanced individual, but at least I'm not boring! And, yes, I would love to join Martyrs Anonymous – may I co-host it with you? _

"_I'm afraid I find people rather fascinating. The surprising sameness of us all, mixed in with the equally surprising uniqueness we each have, is a rather irresistible puzzle to me. I always want to take people apart and see what makes them tick. And yes, other people find that a very annoying habit! With you, though, I'm having just as much fun telling you about myself as finding out about you, which is honestly a first for me. I know, I know, men are supposed to love talking about themselves, and that is mostly true (not just of men, either), but people like you and I, we're a whole different kettle of fish. Lots of secrets._

"_I get the impression you also have someone in your life who is much too nosey for your taste and is always trying to find out what makes you tick. I assume it's a man? Spare a little pity for the poor guy, oh cruel woman! Do you have any idea how fascinating you are? I don't know what you look like, but I'm willing to bet that you're a potent package, and any man would be a fool not to want to know more about you. Especially since you don't willingly give anything away for free. You're making him work for it, and shouldn't hold it against him when he does. Have a heart."_

00000

Lisbon grinned when she read that. She really didn't think Jane would appreciate those sentiments being applied to him! Though Shadow did often remind her a lot of Jane. She hoped this wasn't an indication that she had a 'type' and that her type bore an uncanny resemblance to Jane. That would be a very upsetting discovery indeed. She banished the thought hurriedly. She was just being paranoid – Jane had that effect on her. Anyway, she couldn't picture Jane ever being so open and honest about himself as Shadow always was.

She glanced at her bedside clock and realised that it was already past midnight. She really had to go to bed. Reluctantly she sent Shadow a message to say goodnight, then she turned out her light and, curling herself happily around the knowledge that Shadow thought she was a potent package, fell quickly asleep.

00000

Jane was always sorry when Orion signed out for the night. He would happily carry on messaging her until he had to go to work the next day. After all, he could always catch up on his sleep at the office. But he supposed that Orion actually worked during the day, and therefore needed to sleep at night. On the plus side, she seemed to have a similar schedule to his, so she was always available to talk to whenever he had any downtime.

He shut down his computer and decided to try to sleep. Orion had put him in a very good mood, so with a bit of luck he might have pleasant dreams again tonight. He'd been having a pretty good run lately, though he had noticed that all the dreams he could remember seemed to have been about Lisbon. Or at any rate, an Orion who looked just like Lisbon. Or maybe a Lisbon who talked and thought just like Orion. Confusing. However, he was so glad that he was having pleasant dreams that he refused to worry about the implications of his subconscious mind confoundingly merging Orion and Lisbon together into one potent package.

TBC


	2. Coincidence

_Thank you all so much for the reviews! I'm glad this appeals to you guys, and I hope you will continue to enjoy it as it unfolds. _

_Although the movie "You've Got Mail" only came to mind after I'd already wondered what it would be like if Jane and Lisbon were to unknowingly meet on the internet – and I therefore wasn't actually attempting to follow its storyline, but rather just noting that this premise is obviously not original – I'm sure I can work elements of it in, as some of you requested. I might have to watch the movie again to refresh my memory, though. Not that that is a hardship!_

_I was asked where I got the pseudonyms, so thought I would explain here. Orion is a very bright, beautiful star constellation which has been variously known as a hunter, warrior or hero by different ancient cultures. It's my favourite constellation and I thought it suited Lisbon. Shadow, bizarrely enough, is the actual name of a person I know (which amuses me every time I speak to him). I thought it was appropriate for Jane, who is a shadow of his former self, and always keeps the real Jane hidden in the shadows. Except when he's talking to Orion, of course!_

* * *

**Coincidence**

"So, Lisbon has been in an unusually good mood lately," Cho commented to Rigsby the next day. "I've got fifty bucks that says she's got a new boyfriend."

"I'll take that bet," Rigsby said.

Van Pelt glared over her computer at Cho and said in her most schoolmarm manner, "That's a bit chauvinistic. Jane's been in a good mood lately too, but you're not betting on whether he has a new girlfriend."

"Good point," Rigsby said, grinning in Jane's direction. "Jane's been happy, Lisbon's been happy... Jane, are you and Lisbon, you know...?" he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Jane stretched languidly, and said, "Between Lisbon's conscience and the pesky CBI rulebook, I wouldn't stand much of a chance, now would I?"

"Ah, come on," Cho said, "those rules are for agents, not civilians. Especially not civilians who are just consultants, not even real employees with benefits. I'm sure you could talk Lisbon – and anyone else who objected – around if you wanted to."

"And what makes you think I want to?" Jane asked, genuinely a little puzzled.

The others looked at him blankly. He was kidding, right?

"Are you saying that your synchronised good moods are just a coincidence?" Cho asked sceptically. "Is this one of those cosmic and probable coincidences you claim happen all the time without anyone noticing?" Cho still maintained that Tamzin Dove could be a witch, no matter what Jane's theories on coincidences were – especially given that those theories seemed to vary depending on the point Jane was trying to make. Jane could spin a line of bull better than anyone.

"I'm in a good mood because I've been sleeping well lately. Perhaps it's the lovely weather we've been having recently – that always affects both my sleeping patterns and Lisbon's moods. _Voila_, mystery solved."

The conversation was interrupted by a ringing phone, and the three agents returned to work. Jane closed his eyes and wondered whether Orion would count as a 'girlfriend' for the purposes of Cho and Rigsby's bet. Each would no doubt argue whichever side would make them the winner until either Rigsby gave in or they agreed to a stalemate.

But the guys had brought up an interesting point. Lisbon _had_ been in a good mood lately and although Jane was fairly certain she didn't have a boyfriend, he would feel a lot better if he knew exactly what it was that was making her so happy. Jane decided to ignore the part of the conversation about coincidences. As a betting man with a good head for figures, he calculated that the odds of him and Lisbon, with their wildly divergent interests, unknowingly having bumped into each other on the internet were considerably longer than the odds of them merely having matching moods. Especially given how he'd come across Orion in the first place.

Jane was not a man given to surfing the net – he used the internet for strictly fact-finding, utilitarian purposes – and on that particular day he had been making one of his rare forays into the wild world of the web to look up something wholly unconnected with work. A book he had been reading had referenced the works of another author, so Jane had looked him up to find out whether it would be worthwhile ordering any of his books. He had come across Orion's comments on the message page quite by chance, after he'd inadvertently clicked a link and wound up on the wrong page. Admittedly, he'd recognised right away that part of her appeal lay in how much she reminded him of Lisbon, but he'd never actually entertained the possibility that she _was_ Lisbon. He liked to think he knew Lisbon pretty well and he really couldn't picture her debating the merits of some obscure author on the internet. Orion was like a whole different version of Lisbon.

He'd had to go to a lot of trouble to talk to her, what with having to create a user-name on the site (something he'd never done before) and then discovering that that in turn necessitated the creation of an internet e-mail account. It had all been rather a lot of time-consuming effort, and he'd been afraid that she would log off and disappear forever before he could contact her. The delight he'd felt when she had responded to his message still fizzed in his veins.

No, Jane knew exactly what was making him happy and it had nothing to do with Lisbon. The idea of his repressed, shut-down Lisbon telling all her personal secrets to a complete stranger on the internet – especially when he (effectively her best friend) couldn't get a straight answer out of her about anything – was too ludicrous to contemplate. The idea scarcely had time to present itself before he dismissed it out of hand, his confusing dreams notwithstanding.

Besides, Jane didn't _want_ Orion to be Lisbon. That would ruin everything. There were good reasons why he didn't tell Lisbon all his deep dark secrets or let her get too close to him. His relationship with her was too important to him for him to take that kind of risk. With ethereal and physically unavailable Orion, on the other hand, he could indulge in an heady intimacy that was both exciting and yet somehow safe. For his own sanity, the two of them simply _couldn't_ be the same person, however tangled up in his head they might be. Despite his claims not to be a man of faith, Jane would have done any religious person proud with his complete devotion to this particular belief.

What was going on with Lisbon, therefore, remained up for debate. Jane decided a little investigative work was called for, so he got up and strolled through to Lisbon's office. Hmm, she was looking very cheerful. Full of the joys of spring. He could practically sense birds chirping, bees buzzing, breezes dancing and flowers blooming all around her. Well, he had a knack for bringing little thunderclouds into her life, so he was sure he could effect a change in the weather if he felt so inclined. Or he could just be happy that she was happy and try not to rain on her parade.

Lisbon looked up at Jane and smiled. She was thinking about what Shadow had said about her not being cruel to Jane, and it was still amusing her.

Jane loved it when Lisbon wore that expression of mischievous mirth. It was cute. He sometimes wondered what Lisbon would have been like if she'd chosen a different career path and done something relaxed and creative. She had a lot of fun bubbling beneath the surface and, in his esteemed opinion, it was sorely wasted in her current profession.

"I'm glad to see that you appear to have reacquired your _joie de vivre_, Lisbon. Any specific reason?" He spoke casually, as though he was just trying to pass the time with some small talk.

"Well, the weather has been lovely lately," Lisbon said equally casually, but her guarded 'forget it, Buster, I ain't tellin' you nothin' ' expression nevertheless spoke volumes. What _was_ she hiding?

"I was just saying the same thing to Rigsby and Cho," he said. "It's certainly been putting me in a better mood."

"Yes," Lisbon said, "I'd noticed."

Jane raised his eyebrows a little in surprise.

"Well, perhaps it's like compound interest – your good mood puts the rest of us in a good mood, which in turn puts you in an even better mood and so on and so forth. Happiness all round, expanding exponentially. Long may it last."

"Yeah, things have been going pretty well lately, haven't they?" she agreed.

Jane looked at Lisbon. Lisbon looked at Jane. Jane felt frustrated. Why was the woman always so infernally secretive?

Lisbon, equally frustrated, wondered why Jane always had to be to infernally curious. The thought of him finding out about Shadow absolutely horrified her. It would be like manna from heaven for him. He would have a field day and she would never live it down. No, Shadow was a secret that Lisbon was planning to take with her to her grave.

Since she clearly wasn't going to give him the information he wanted the easy, direct way, Jane retired to his couch to try to formulate a more subtle strategy. He still hadn't come up with a workable plan by the end of the day, but he was so looking forward to his evening at home that he didn't even feel despondent about it. Tomorrow was another day.

00000

"_Have you ever noticed," _he wrote to Orion, _"that the more you chase after someone, the faster they run away? Only when you give up the chase do you have any chance of them coming to you of their own accord. I've always been a chaser. Impatient. Unwilling to wait. I seem incapable of taking my own good advice, though that has never stopped me dishing it out with a lavish hand to other needy souls. I act without thinking and only afterwards do I realise how poorly thought out most of my plans are. Other people are always more than ready to point it out to me, of course, but by then it's usually too late. I don't even have a good reason for being so impetuous. Why is it, do you suppose, that I can't seem to slow down long enough to think things through? Any useful suggestions?"_

He received a reply a short while later.

"_I'm impatient too. Very impatient, actually. When I was little my mom used to tell me I only came in one speed: fast. I don't think it's a personality trait you can actually change, you just have to learn to curb it at best you can. I often envy those people who are so chilled out and laid back that nothing ever bothers them – you know, the type who doesn't seem to mind getting stuck in traffic or in a line at the bank and who takes life's little foibles happily in their stride. It must be so relaxing and peaceful to be like that. No ulcers or tension headaches for them!_

"_So, how does one curb impatience? I think the only way anyone ever does anything difficult is by passionately wanting to. Desire is the key. If you really, genuinely want to become more cautious and careful, you'll learn to do it. I think that most of the time we like the _idea_ of being a better person a lot more than we like the execution. It takes perseverance to daily make choices you find difficult. Eventually, though, I do think you can change your general behaviour if you put in the time and effort. You basically have to form a new habit. Your old self (your default setting) will probably crop up from time to time when triggered under circumstances you find particularly stressful, but generally speaking, I do think – or hope, anyway – that we can change for the better."_

Jane liked her cautious optimism. Orion was nobody's fool. For all her claims to impatience, Jane was willing to bet she always looked before she leaped. Her letters to him were always carefully thought out and never gave away anything that she hadn't specifically chosen to give away. That made her confidences all the sweeter to Jane, who could see how rare and precious her trust was. He wondered why she protected herself with such fierce vigilance. Was it just in her nature, or had life done that to her?

00000

Lisbon was half-watching TV while she waited for Shadow's response. She had done some grocery shopping on her way home that evening, and had decided to start with dessert and work her way backwards. While the oven was busy with her main course, she sat savouring the sweetness of her mouthful of ice-cream and wondering idly who is was whom Shadow was chasing so unsuccessfully. Was it weird that she was vaguely jealous?

She distracted herself with another mouthful of ice-cream and tried to focus on the TV program, but Shadow's reply claimed her attention before she could figure out what the story was about. She almost dropped a dollop of ice-cream on her laptop in her haste to open his mail.

"_You are a very wise woman. You're absolutely right – I'm all talk. I don't want to change enough to put in all the back-breaking effort that it would require. Part of me is comfortable with who I am – better the devil I know than the angel I don't, perhaps? Or I'm just lazy. As you say, true desire is a powerful motivator. Maybe it's a matter of waiting for the right set of circumstances to crop up – sometimes it's easier to change for another person or a cause you feel strongly about, than it is to do it just for yourself._

_Have you managed to curb your impatience? Do you have the fiery desire needed to change? And if you do, where, or from whom, does the desire spring? (As always, just ignore these questions if they are too intrusive.)"_

00000

Jane often had a strange sense after sending a message to Orion of waiting for the other shoe to drop. As if this message would be the one that would send her scurrying back into her hole, never to return to confide in him again. He wasn't sure if it was his own desperate need to keep her talking to him that made him fear losing her so much, or whether he was picking up distress signals coming from her. He hated feeling so confused and in the dark.

It was an unfortunate fact (though Jane was loathe to admit it) that he'd never been able to submit himself and his own relationships to the same clear-headed, logical scrutiny that he applied so ably to other people. Just like anyone else, his feelings tended to cloud his judgement. He was his most accurate when analysing people and relationships in which he had absolutely no personal or emotional stake at all, and his least accurate when trying to interpret anything about which he felt strongly. And he felt strongly about Orion.

He forced himself to stop staring fixedly at his computer and got up to make himself some food instead. His kitchen was small but always well-stocked. Jane took his food pretty seriously. As he started preparing his dinner, he thought it was a pity he couldn't cook for Orion too – it was always more fun to cook for two than for one, and Jane knew that he could always impress people with his cooking skills. Not that he was trying to impress Orion, or anything like that...

He kept an eye on his computer out of the corner of his eye. 'Come on,' he was urging it under his breath.

A message popped up, and Jane abandoned his half-cooked food to see what Orion's response was. It wasn't what he'd been hoping for.

"_I'm so sorry, Shadow, but something has come up and I can't write back just now. But I will absolutely answer your questions the moment I have a chance. I promise. Chat soon, Orion."_

Jane closed his computer slowly, not sure what to think. He finished cooking his dinner, but just as he was about to eat it, his phone rang. Lisbon.

"Jane," she told him, "we have a case. Your apartment is on my way to the crime-scene, so I'll pick you up on my way past. Be there in a few." She hung up before he could respond.

Jane's glance flicked to his closed computer for a moment.

'Coincidence,' he told himself firmly.

TBC


	3. Hollow Man

_Okay, so I watched "You've Got Mail" again, and it is such a delightful movie. My favourite line is when Joe perfectly sums up his obnoxious girlfriend by saying, "Patricia makes coffee nervous."_

_Thank you again to everyone for your lovely reviews. I so enjoy hearing what you all think. I just wanted to say at this point that there are about a hundred different, but all equally appealing, ways this story could go from here (believe me, I've been running through all of them in my head), but stories tend to have minds of their own, and this was the direction this story picked to go in. Before I posted this, I made sure I had the rest of the story fully worked out, thus committing myself to my chosen version and reluctantly giving up all the tantalising alternative options which were trying to tempt me into schizophrenia. I do empathise with anyone who was rooting for one of the alternative versions, but I hope you enjoy this version even if it isn't your first choice._

_Disclaimer: To add to the list of things I mentioned not owning in the first chapter, I now add TS Eliot's 'The Hollow Men' and 'Daffodils' by William Wordsworth._

* * *

**Hollow Man**

Jane fixed his gaze on Lisbon as she drove, as if he could somehow tease her secrets out of her if he stared hard enough. Lisbon was finding it a bit annoying, but decided to take the high road and ignore him.

"So what exciting plans in the Lisbon household did our corpse so rudely interrupt?" Jane asked her.

Lisbon shrugged.

"Laundry, dinner, TV. The usual. You?"

Jane held up a Tupperware that he'd brought into the car with him.

"I was about to eat my dinner when you arrived," he said, trying to look as pathetic as possible.

Lisbon threw him the sympathetic look he had been angling for.

"Sorry about that. I didn't get a chance to eat mine either."

Jane held up two forks with a flourish.

"I thought you might not have," he said, grinning at her. "There's plenty for us both."

Lisbon hesitated for a moment, then took one of the forks. She smiled at Jane.

"I am kind of hungry," she admitted.

Jane held the dish where she could easily reach it without having to take her eyes off the road.

"Nice," she told him appreciatively after she had tasted it.

Jane gave her a big smile. Despite the less-than-ideal circumstances, he was delighted that he had, after all, ended up sharing his dinner and impressing someone with his culinary skills. Particularly since the someone was Lisbon.

When they arrived at their destination, Lisbon jumped quickly out of the car and proceeded to take control of the crime scene and the investigation with her usual crisp efficiency. She didn't see the need to keep everyone out there at night any longer than was strictly necessary. Jane, apparently bored, wandered off somewhere in the darkness and was nowhere to be found when Lisbon was finally ready to leave. Annoyed, she phoned him and proceeded to give him a piece of her mind.

"Don't drive off without me," Jane said, a little concerned by the waves of irritation that were coming at him down the phone line. He didn't want to be left out there by himself in the dark. "I'll be with you in a few minutes."

He gathered from Lisbon's growl that she would wait for him, but wasn't happy about it.

While Lisbon sat crossly in her car waiting for Jane to deign to make an appearance, it occurred to her that she could respond to Shadow's message using her cell-phone. It was slower and more annoying than emailing from her computer, but it wasn't like she had anything better to do. Logging onto the internet, therefore, she painstakingly typed out an answer to the questions Shadow had asked her earlier that evening. Jane showed up just as she sent the message. She glared at him.

"It's late, it's dark, it's cold, it's time for bed, and you thought it would be the perfect time to go for a night-time stroll?"

"I was testing a theory," Jane said unrepentantly.

"And?"

"It was a wash."

Lisbon sighed in exasperation, and started the car.

"Why do you never just tell me what you're doing?"

"You were busy. Anyway, this was something I could handle on my own. No need to bother you."

"You really thrive on being secretive, don't you?"

"And you don't?"

"No, I don't. Just because I don't talk about myself all the time, it doesn't mean I'm keeping secrets. And when I do keep secrets, it's usually to protect myself or someone else. I don't just keep secrets to be annoying and superior."

"Well, I guess it's safe to assume that your good mood has worn off then?"

"Gee, what tipped you off?"

They drove back to Jane's apartment in tense silence.

"See you tomorrow, I guess?" Jane said when she dropped him off. "So much for a peaceful Saturday at home."

"Had something better to do, did you?" she said, but she no longer sounded irritated, just tired.

"Yeah, actually, I did have plans. But that's the job, right? Serve and protect, even on the weekends."

Lisbon hid her surprise. She really couldn't imagine what type of plans Jane made for his weekends. She did, however, sympathise. She was also disappointed that their weekend had been trumped by a dead body. She bade him goodnight and drove tiredly home.

00000

Jane eyed his laptop nervously. He was hoping against hope that Orion had written to him while he and Lisbon had been working. He cautiously turned the machine on and checked his messages. A big grin broke out on his face when he saw that Orion _had_ emailed him while he was out. The knot in his stomach, which he'd had ever since his little run-in with the laws of probability earlier in the evening, eased immediately, and he opened the message eagerly.

"_Do I curb my impatience? Well, that depends on the circumstances. My job, for instance, is very important to me, so I'm able to be careful and methodical at work, because that's what the job requires. Some of my colleagues are less scrupulous, though, and I admit that I sometimes allow myself to be tempted by shortcuts. There is part of me that always thinks quicker is better, and I sometimes find it hard to fight both my own natural instincts and everyone around me in order to do things the way I know they ought to be done. The ongoing battle is actually quite exhausting._

"_When it comes to people, I'm generally much less inclined to bother being controlled and diplomatic, except when I need to be for work. As you pointed out, a person needs a specific incentive to make hard changes, so the less incentive I have to control my temper, the less in control of it I become. Some people seem to bring out the worst in me, but I find it hard to feel remorse because I feel that they deserve everything I throw at them and more. The trouble is that my temper and frustration often spill over onto other innocent bystanders, and that's when I wish there was some easy way to be transformed into a woman of patience and sweet temper. Anger can be useful, but it's never easy to control, and I hate not being in control. Life sometimes seems to be nothing more than one long battle against chaos._

"_Does that answer your questions?"_

Jane felt an unexpected surge of protectiveness sweep through him, along with a thoroughly macho desire to hit Orion's colleagues for making her life difficult. He didn't miss the irony of this, having recognised at once that he did exactly the same thing to Lisbon as Orion's colleagues did to her. In fact, the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. He was genuinely surprised at how different his actions appeared to him when viewed from Lisbon's perspective, which had so suddenly and clearly been revealed to him by Orion. It was one thing to intellectually 'know' what was going on in someone's head and quite another to actually experience it for himself.

Orion's gift to him ever since they had started writing to each other had been her ability to enable him to experience the world from a perspective quite different to his own. She had willingly drawn him into her life, sharing with him her thoughts, her feelings, her dreams, her way of seeing the world. Jane had spent most of his life feeling quite alone, constantly trying to gain entrance into other people's inner worlds by fair means or foul, and generally ending up just picking the locks. Wandering about inside other people's heads without their permission was a whole different universe to the one in which he now found himself with Orion. Being invited in changed everything. Because she _allowed_ him to see the world through her eyes, he was granted a clarity of vision he hadn't known was possible.

And Jane was suddenly fairly certain he was in love with a woman he'd never even met and had only known for a few weeks. A woman, incidentally, who had told him only a couple of days earlier that she loved her solitude and didn't want to be in a relationship.

It was irrational and impetuous and totally terrifying, and yet he found himself quite incapable of regretting it. The revelation that he was still capable of having such feelings was too exciting to allow anything to dampen his mood. He did, however, make a conscious effort not to think about Lisbon anymore. She confused him, and he didn't want to be confused right now.

00000

Lisbon arrived home feeling drained. She didn't know why she had let Jane get to her this evening. Perhaps she had been more upset about being pulled away from her peaceful evening with Shadow than she had realised. She had wanted to spend her time with a man who was honest and open and completely genuine, and instead she'd got Jane. It had seemed extremely unfair and she had taken her disappointment out on him, even though he'd given her dinner and hadn't done anything especially annoying (on a Jane scale) other than to be the exact opposite of honest and open and genuine.

She sighed, feeling slightly guilty. Her hand hovered over her phone, trying to decide if she should apologise to him. In the end, she decided she'd much rather talk to Shadow, so she turned on her computer to see if he was available to talk. She felt ridiculously pleased to find a message waiting for her.

"_You always answer my questions. So openly, so truthfully, so intelligently that you take my breath away._

"_You've turned my world upside down. Made me see things that I've never seen before. I always think that I'm so clever and have all the answers, but then you say things that make me realise that I know nothing at all. Sadly, I doubt it will be as easy as that to deflate my ego or demolish my arrogant self-assurance, but it's a start. You humble me; make me reassess who I am and what I'm doing with my life. I admit that I don't much like what I see. _

"_I am like the people in TS Eliot's poem – a hollow man, a stuffed man, with a headpiece of straw; 'shape without form, shade without colour, a paralysed force.' And how true this often feels: 'Is it like this in death's other kingdom? Waking alone at the hour when we are trembling with tenderness; lips that would kiss form prayers to a broken stone... This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.' The man even uses my penname: 'Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, falls the Shadow.' _

"_Hmm, perhaps I should stick to reading Wordsworth? I have far too morbid a fascination with brokenness, emptiness and death to be reading TS Eliot!_

"_But you, Orion, you make me want to embrace life in all its wonderful forms and colours and motion. What kind of a man allows death and evil to triumph? What kind of a man embraces the darkness in which he finds himself and chooses to remain lost and alone? What kind of a man refuses to heal and grow and change? You have made me wish – no, desire – to no longer be that kind of man. You give me hope that transformation is possible._

"_In case you don't hear this often enough, Orion, you are beautiful."_

As she read Shadow's letter, Lisbon unconsciously reached out to touch the computer screen in an instinctive impulse to comfort him. She couldn't imagine how he had got all that out of what she had written, but she was deeply moved by his revelations. She found it astonishing that she and this man she had known so briefly had already managed to connect on such a deep level and touch each other's lives so profoundly. She was a little rueful about the fact that she appeared to be a magnet for broken men, but knew herself well enough to know that his very brokenness was part of his attraction for her.

The words of the poem 'waking alone at the hour when we are trembling with tenderness' had touched a chord deep within Lisbon. All she wanted to do right now was to take Shadow in her arms, hold him tightly and tell him that his life was going to be joyful and whole and beautiful again. Reading the letter again, she became almost frightened by the intensity of her own reaction to it. She was fairly certain that Shadow was telling her that he loved her. But far more alarming than that was her discovery that she loved him in return. How had she let this happen?

Lisbon sat looking accusingly at her computer, as if it was responsible for her current state of complete confusion. For the first time since she and Shadow had started writing to each other, she felt frustrated and short-changed by the limits of their present relationship. She was tired of the computer screen and the waiting, the isolation and the anonymity. She wanted to see the real man, to talk to him face to face, to really get to know him. Only then could she work out how she really felt about him and what it meant.

How was she to ask him if that was what he wanted too?

00000

Jane lay on his bed with his eyes closed, waiting for his computer to ping. He had no idea what Orion would make of his last email. Would she read between the lines and realise that he loved her but knew that he didn't deserve her? Would she understand why he was too afraid to take the next logical step with her even though it seemed so right and inevitable? Did she even want to take the next step?

'Perhaps,' his cowardly mind told him, 'perhaps she lives on the other side of the world and we could never feasibly meet anyway. The chances that she lives anywhere near here are perishingly small.'

The computer pinged, and he sat up hurriedly and opened Orion's mail.

"_Have you read Wordsworth's 'Daffodils'? I quote some of it here for you:_

" '_I wander'd lonely as a cloud / That floats on high o'er vales and hills, / When all at once I saw a crowd, / A host, of golden daffodils; / Beside the lake, beneath the trees, / Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. _

" '_... / I gazed – and gazed – but little thought / What wealth the show to me had brought_:

" '_For oft, when on my couch I lie / In vacant or in pensive mood, / They flash upon that inward eye / Which is the bliss of solitude; / And then my heart with pleasure fills, / And dances with the daffodils.'_

"_So yes, I think your time would be better spent thinking about daffodils than hollow men! Perhaps you and I should go together sometime and find some daffodils for you to feast your eyes on and give you something pleasant to think about when you're lying on your couch (so to speak)?_

"_I live in Sacramento, California. Where do you live?_

"_And I think you are beautiful too."_

Jane felt like he had stopped breathing. His eyes rested unsteadily on the word Sacramento. She was right here and she wanted to meet him. The momentum of life and relationships was carrying him inexorably forward, whether he was ready for it or not. Still, left to his own devices he'd probably never be ready. Having just told the woman that she made him believe that he could change and grow, he couldn't immediately go and fail his very first test.

"_I also live in Sacramento! That would probably be considered a sign – of the flashing neon variety – to those who believe in that sort of thing," _he wrote._ "Do you want to meet?"_

"_Yes," _she replied.

TBC


	4. Yellow Daffodils

_Thank you all for the lovely reviews! I apologise for not replying to them yet, but from the general tenor, I gathered that a speedy update would be appreciated more at this point! So here it is..._

* * *

**Yellow Daffodils**

The next day Jane and Lisbon avoided each other's company as much as possible. Normally they gravitated instinctively towards each other, with Jane following Lisbon around like a faithful golden shadow, but today they felt awkward with each other, and oddly guilty.

Jane had spent the evening wrestling with the fact that Orion was about to turn from a fantasy into a reality and wondering what that really meant for him. He'd discovered, somewhat to his dismay, that the prospect of Orion becoming a real flesh-and-blood woman in his life made him suddenly feel as though he was somehow cheating on Lisbon. Which was perfectly ridiculous, of course, because he and Lisbon were just colleagues. Well okay, maybe friends too, but that was all. Sure, they did flirt harmlessly with each other, but there had never been the slightest suggestion that either of them would ever consider more than that. And yet, still Jane felt he'd violated some unspoken pact between them. A pact that said that they belonged to each other and would wait for each other until such time as they were both in a position to become more to each other.

Lisbon had long been something of an enigma in his life. He was such a mess and she was so prickly and unavailable that their relationship had always felt as though it was precariously balanced on a knife edge. He had been afraid that he would ruin things with her if he tried to change the terms of their relationship in any way. But by meeting with Orion he was changing those terms just as effectively as if he had actually tried to push Lisbon herself for more. He was very afraid that he was about to break something that could never again be fixed. Whatever he might feel for Orion, he was fairly certain that Lisbon was not a price he was willing to pay for anyone or anything. He needed Lisbon. But he also needed – and wanted – Orion. Jane was very confused.

Lisbon's concerns were a little different to Jane's. A large part of her believed that Jane would never be ready to move on from the tragedy of his past and that even if his headlong dash towards calamity with Red John did somehow, by some miracle, leave in its wake a Jane who was alive, sane and not in prison, she was nevertheless unconvinced that the defeat of his nemesis would be enough to free him from his demons and allow him to heal and move on. And even if, at some indefinable time in the future, he did manage to move on, she didn't know if she was the one he would want to move on with. Or if that's what _she_ would want, for that matter. It was all too theoretical and unlikely and somewhat hopeless, and she refused to define her life by its nebulous possibilities.

She did, however, worry about Jane's insatiable need to meddle in her life. She didn't want him to find out about Shadow until she knew where she stood with him and was sure of her own feelings. Jane could not be allowed to interfere and mess this up for her.

She was also, admittedly, a little worried that Jane would be hurt that she hadn't waited around for him indefinitely, although she knew he didn't truly expect her to. Or at any rate, he probably didn't think he expected her to, but when push came to shove, he might feel differently.

Would he be jealous of Shadow? That was a frightening thought, but there was a rebellious little part of her that wanted him to be. She couldn't really define what her relationship with Jane was, but she knew it frustrated the hell out of her. Shadow clearly had his issues, but she didn't mind that so long as he wanted her and wasn't afraid to admit it. If she was going to go through all the agony of loving someone, she wanted to at least get something good out of it.

Despite all her justifications, though, Lisbon still couldn't completely quash the tug of guilt she felt whenever she looked at Jane. Between that and the desire to avoid him prying, she had stayed as far away from him all day as she possibly could, which, as it turned out, had been surprisingly easy to do. She wasn't sure what that meant, but she felt suspicious on principle. Jane could make trouble in his sleep, and she didn't think she could cope with trouble today. She was feeling stressed out enough as it was.

She and Shadow had agreed to meet at 6pm a small coffee shop near the State Capitol, which was a short walk from the CBI. It had seemed like a safe enough time to choose, because unless they had a big break in a case, they tended to finish work earlier on a Saturday. Weekends were not a good time to try to get information out of people.

"_How will I recognise you?" _Shadow had asked. _"In the movies the protagonists tend to carry or wear some type of flower for identification, presumably because that's so much more romantic than simply describing what you look like or carrying a sign (strangers collecting you at the airport are considerably more prosaic in this regard)! Which will it be, my dear, romance or practicality?"_

"_Since this is a once in a lifetime event, the least we can do is be romantic and impractical about it,"_ Lisbon had replied, knowing that that was what he was hoping she'd say. She had already reached the conclusion that Shadow was a hopeless romantic. _"How about a daffodil?"_

"_I shall be wearing one on the lapel of my jacket, then,"_ he had written back.

"_Snappy dresser, huh?"_ she'd asked.

"_I am a man of many parts," _he'd responded.

Rather to Lisbon's private relief, their case had quickly become bogged down in an unsuccessful attempt to unravel a very suspicious and complicated series of accounting transactions. The bank records that they needed in order to work out what was going on could only be obtained on Monday, so Lisbon told everyone to go home and enjoy their Sunday off. She was torn between relief, curiosity and a touch of habitual concern when Jane disappeared at speed the moment she gave the word. Clearly he still had plans for his weekend.

Lisbon changed her clothes at the office, feeling distinctly flustered by the fact that she was dressing up for a man she'd never met. Dates always made her uneasy, but there was a lot more pressure on this date than on an ordinary date. Finally deciding she was as ready as she was ever going to be, she hurried down to the flower shop on the corner to buy her daffodil. It was bright yellow and she thought it was one of the most cheerful things she had ever seen. Fighting her nerves, she walked down the street to the rendezvous point.

00000

Jane had arrived before Lisbon but because he was still in two minds about what he was doing, he had taken his jacket off and folded it over his arm so that the flower on his lapel remained hidden. He wanted to get the lay of the land before he committed himself irrevocably. He had, however, taken off his wedding ring, and tucked it into his breast pocket. He knew it was time. To have continued wearing it in a situation like this would have dishonoured both his late wife and Orion, and that was something Jane most certainly did not want to do. In the end, it had been easier than he'd thought it would be. It was like pulling off a band-aid – the anticipation was worse than the actual event.

Jane, after taking a good look around and establishing that there were no single women in the room and no daffodils in sight, settled himself at a table which gave him a good view of the door and waited nervously.

Much to his consternation, it was Lisbon who next entered the coffee shop. A quick inventory of her person revealed no daffodil, but Jane did notice that she was looking very lovely – obviously she had dressed up for someone. A flicker of jealousy ran through him.

Lisbon had noticed him too, and she looked both appalled and furious. She stormed over to him and hissed, "Jane! What are you doing here? Are you following me?"

That, Jane thought, was a monstrously unfair accusation.

"Lisbon, I got here first. I should be asking you if you're following me!"

They stared at each other uncertainly, both wondering how they could get rid of the other before their date showed up. This was turning out to be a massive disaster. Jane broke the awkward silence.

"Would you like to sit with me while you wait for your date?" he asked. "And may I say you look very lovely this evening."

He was being charming. She really didn't need him being charming right now! What she needed was for him to be as far away from here as possible. Unfortunately she could tell by the glint of curiosity in his eyes that wild horses couldn't have dragged him away at this point. He wasn't going anywhere until he'd found out who she was meeting. Lisbon could have screamed she was so frustrated.

She did, however, thank heaven for small mercies. In a sudden moment of panic before she'd come into the coffee shop, she had decided to keep her daffodil hidden in her purse until she'd had a chance to look around and get her bearings. If Jane had seen her with a flower... well, he would have got stuck into that like Winnie the Pooh into a jar of honey. Of course, when Shadow came in wearing a daffodil on his lapel, that would pretty much provide Jane with enough fodder to annoy her for the next hundred years. She needed him to leave. Now.

Jane was standing, waiting politely for Lisbon to sit down. As he moved to pull her chair out further for her, his jacket, which he was still carrying over his arm, shifted a little and presented Lisbon with a sudden shocking view of yellow. She sat down very fast, her legs having suddenly turned to jelly. Jane looked at her with concern.

"Lisbon, are you okay?"

"You have a daffodil on your lapel," she said.

Jane looked a little embarrassed.

"Oh," he said quickly, " It's something I agreed to do with a friend..." His voice trailed off as he took in Lisbon's pale skin and big eyes, which suddenly seemed to be in danger of taking over her whole face.

He honestly hadn't known. She could see that. But he knew now. Jane grabbed Lisbon's purse and pulled it open, revealing the yellow daffodil tucked inside like a drop of sunshine. He dropped the purse back onto the table like it was a hot potato.

Well, the massive disaster appeared to have turned into an actual apocalypse, if Lisbon's expression was anything to go by. The end of all things had arrived.

"I'm sorry, Jane, I have to go," she said, then she got up and practically fled.

Jane was experiencing a well-remembered feeling; one which he'd honestly never believed he would have to feel again. It was the feeling of his entire world imploding.

00000

When Lisbon arrived home, she flung herself on her bed and lay there trying to come to terms with what had just happened. She thought back to the unexpected jealous ache she had felt when she had noticed that Jane wasn't wearing his wedding ring and had realised that he was waiting for a date. And all the time it was her he'd been waiting for. All those letters, all those things he'd told her – that was all Jane. Her broken, secretive, unavailable Jane. How was it possible?

She suddenly got up and fetched her laptop. Shadow was Jane. She needed to read what Jane had written to her. Would it sound different now that it had some context? Would she feel different reading his inner thoughts now that she was taking into account his sorry history and all his present issues?

She also needed to re-read what she had said to him. Her heart clenched in panic. What had she told him? Revealed to him? Was he re-reading her words right now and seeing her in a different light? Would he still love Orion when he was done?

Lisbon stayed up the whole night re-reading all their correspondence from that first charming letter that had so captivated her right up to what they had written the day before. She was amazed by the sheer volume of it. They had told each other so many things, discussed such a variety of topics, been so honest with each other. How had they crammed all that into such a short space of time?

She lay back on her bed, allowing the morning sun to warm her in its golden glow. She was beyond tired and her eyes and head hurt from staring at her computer screen all night, but she felt at peace. She knew now that, for better or for worse, she was hopelessly in love with Patrick Jane. And she knew that he loved her too – both versions of her, in fact. She'd seen it in his face before she had run away.

Lisbon reached out and picked up her phone.

00000

Jane hadn't known what to do with himself after Lisbon had left so abruptly, but in the end he had made his way home in a daze. At first he hadn't been able to process the idea that he might have just lost both Lisbon and Orion in one fell swoop, but once the initial shock wore off, Jane's fighting spirit resurfaced. He loved Lisbon, even more now that he knew her so much better through Orion's letters. There was no way he was going to give her up or lose her.

His first strategy was to give her time to come to terms with what had just happened. Lisbon always needed time to process things. Trying to rush her was a good example of a 'more haste, less speed' scenario. This time he was going to take his own advice. Instead of chasing, he would give her a chance to come to him.

In the meantime, he began to read through all their letters again. How had he not recognised her? She was so obviously Lisbon. It no longer surprised him how easily he had fallen in love with Orion. Some part of him had known all along who she really was and that part of him had also known that he was already in love with Lisbon, but was too afraid to do anything about it. So his own brain had come up with a cunning plan to force him to admit his feelings. Should he be worried that his own mind was plotting against him?

Jane stayed up all night reading and only finished some time after the sun had cheerily announced the dawn of a new day. He felt the familiar ache of exhaustion deep in his bones, and thought perhaps he should take some sleeping tablets and try to get some sleep while he waited for Lisbon. He'd go mad if he had to sit around all day doing nothing but worry and pine. He wasn't cut out for that sort of thing. Sweet oblivion sounded like a much better plan.

Just as he was about to get up to look for his pills, his phone rang and Lisbon's picture lit up the screen. Jane's heart jumped into his throat as he scrambled to answer it.

"Lisbon?"

"_Sorry I ran off last night,"_ she said. _"Do you want to come over?"_

Did he ever!

TBC

* * *

_P.S. Thanks to Frogster for making me think of Winnie the Pooh (another thing I don't own, incidentally)!_

_P.P.S. In case you're wondering why I didn't have one of them find out before the other and keep it a secret, my reasoning is as follows: If Lisbon figured it out first, she wouldn't be able to hide it from Jane for long anyway because he reads her too well. If Jane found out first and then didn't tell Lisbon, it would negate the all-important trust that has developed between Orion and Shadow. The whole purpose of them meeting as strangers was to enable them to bypass the current roadblocks in their relationship: he needed to learn that he can love her and be honest with her and she needed to learn that she can trust him. Her trust is so fragile as it is, I didn't want to put even the tiniest bit of pressure on it!_


	5. Cloudless Climes and Starry Skies

_Final chapter! I know I could have made this story a lot longer than I did, but I'm afraid I'm much too impatient for that. I wanted a resolution and I hate waiting! Plus, I do need to get back to the rest of my life, which I have been neglecting in favour of this story._

_Thank you all so much for reading this and for your wonderful feedback. I hope you find the ending satisfying._

_Disclaimer: I also obviously don't own Byron's "She Walks in Beauty", nor the John Donne quote. And I'm not normally much of a poetry person, so I totally blame Jane and Lisbon for the superfluity of poetry in this fic._

* * *

**Cloudless Climes and Starry Skies**

Lisbon opened her front door before Jane even had the chance to knock. She stood to one side, silently inviting him in, and Jane stepped into the room, surreptitiously breathing in her freshly-showered fragrance and noting the dark smudges of exhaustion under her eyes which bore testament to her sleepless night. He held up the bag he was carrying.

"I picked up some croissants," he said. "I figured you probably didn't eat anything last night. Didn't want you to fade away entirely."

Lisbon smiled at him, trying to remember why she usually found him so annoying.

"Thanks," she said. "Do you want some tea? I've just boiled the kettle."

Jane followed her into the kitchen and helped her to make the tea. They didn't say anything, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. It was a waiting silence, a pregnant pause.

They carried their breakfasts through to Lisbon's living room. She had opened the glass doors onto her garden, and the fresh morning air and the scent of cut grass were being carried in to them on the breeze. It was a very pleasant day.

Jane and Lisbon sat down and looked at each other properly for the first time since Jane had arrived.

"So," Jane said, not knowing where to begin, but feeling it was somehow his responsibility to speak first.

"Yeah," Lisbon agreed, and they both grinned a little.

"I have my computer in my car, if you'd prefer to talk that way," Jane said.

"I don't think that would help, now that I know who you are," Lisbon admitted.

"Yeah, there is that," Jane said, and lapsed back into silence.

"We could always talk about the weather," Lisbon said, looking mischievously at him from under her eyelashes. Jane had always had a bit of a thing for Lisbon's eyes.

"Or poetry," he said. "I'm rather partial to John Donne."

" 'Send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee'? Really Jane, you need to need to start reading more cheerful stuff. Anything without death as the subject matter would be a good start."

" 'She walks in beauty, like the night / Of cloudless climes and starry skies; / And all that's best of dark and bright / Meets in her aspect and her eyes.' " Jane was looking at Lisbon with a rather passionate intensity, but his tone was light as he added, "I'm sure Byron must pass the Lisbon cheerfulness test?"

Lisbon blinked at him a little owlishly and took refuge behind her teacup. Jane quoting love poetry to her was... confusing. In a good way.

"Hey," Jane said, suddenly thinking of something, "am I allowed to keep calling you Orion? I'm rather partial to the name."

Lisbon laughed. "If you like. As long as I don't have to call you Shadow."

"Patrick is fine," Jane said, looking at her so hopefully that it made her heart hurt.

"Okay, Patrick," she said, but his name sounded strange on her lips. Strange enough to make them both laugh a little.

They fell silent again, the weight of what was waiting to be said settling over them like a shroud.

"Wow," Jane muttered, half to himself, "this is a lot harder than I thought it would be."

There was so much he needed to say and he had no idea where to begin. He knew that he had to convince Lisbon that he wasn't just the man she knew from work, full of secrets and lies, who kept things from her and played tricks behind her back; a man she had every reason not to trust. He had to prove to her that he was also the open, honest man she had met and fallen for over the internet. He wanted her to understand that if she let him into her private life and her heart, that their relationship wouldn't revolve around him being a creator of chaos and her following behind cleaning up the mess. She needed to believe that the real Jane, the man he'd revealed to her in his letters, was a man she could trust with her love; a man who wanted to protect her, rather than have her protect him; a man who would never play games with her heart, but would guard it with his life.

He didn't for a second believe that he deserved her love or trust or companionship, but his need and desire were too great for him not to try to win her anyway. Besides, what man ever deserved someone like Lisbon? Or any woman, for that matter? Life was rarely a matter of getting what you deserved, and getting what you wanted was mostly a combination of luck and having the courage to reach for the stars. And his constellation of stars was right in front of him, waiting for him to be courageous.

He put down his teacup and moved so that he was sitting right beside her on the couch. He took one of her hands in both of his and looked into her eyes.

"I'm going to start out talking to Orion, because I'm still a little scared of Lisbon."

He smiled at her, and she smiled back, but he could feel the pulse in her wrist racing, and knew that she was scared too. Maybe even more than he was. He was so accustomed to Lisbon's strength that it was easy to forget how fragile she really was.

"I know I'm a mess, and no great shakes as a catch. But all those tricks and games that I play that annoy you so much – I only do that to keep people at arm's length, and I don't want to keep you at arm's length any more. Quite the opposite, in fact. I know I don't deserve you. But I've always been a selfish man, and, well... I want you. And I need you. And if you can believe that I'm not a lost cause, then I might be able to believe it too. _Do_ you believe that I'm not a lost cause?" He was looking intensely into her eyes, trying to read the answer in their green depths.

Lisbon put her free hand out and touched his face, just as she'd wanted to when she'd read Shadow's letter about being a hollow man, and just as she'd often wished she could do at work when Jane had looked at her with those wounded, pleading eyes of his that seemed to beg her to comfort him. It felt wonderful to be able to touch him at last.

"I don't think you're a lost cause," she said, "Difficult, yes. Lost, no."

Jane leaned in and kissed her very softly on the lips. He soon broke it off – far too soon, in Lisbon's opinion – because he wanted to get a better look at the way her eyes were shining. Hovering a couple of inches from her face he said softly, "You are so beautiful. I knew you would be."

"You could tell by my turn of phrase, could you?"

"It was more what you said than how you said it. All that inner beauty couldn't fail to express itself."

Lisbon laughed. Jane backed up slightly, a little embarrassed.

"Hey, you're not supposed to laugh at me when I whisper sweet nothings in your ear!" he said reproachfully. "It's not the done thing. It ruins the moment."

"I'm sorry," Lisbon said, not looking the slightest bit sorry. "I'm sure I can fix that, though."

Taking his face in both her hands so that he couldn't get away this time, she kissed him again, and Jane was quick to respond, bringing both his hands up to tangle in her hair and completely losing himself in the moment.

He laughed a little shakily when they broke apart and said, "So much for talking. This part is, as you put it, as easy as falling off a log."

"You read all my letters again last night, didn't you?" she said.

"As did you," Jane replied. Lisbon had moved away from him a little, so he added, "I take it there's not going to be any more kissing until we've had a proper Talk with a capital T."

Lisbon grinned. "I think I'm going to like having a boyfriend who can accurately read my body language infinitely more than I liked having a colleague who could," she said.

Then she realised what she had said and blushed. Jane ran his fingertips across her cheek, and refrained from teasing her.

"The fact that you already think of me as your boyfriend certainly saves us at least one long conversation," he said. "Let's just state for the record that I'm delighted to hear that you are officially my girlfriend, and move onto whichever other topics you deem necessary, so that we can get back to the kissing without undue delay."

"Oh, please, you don't fool me, Patrick Jane," Lisbon said. "I know how much you love to talk."

"True, but you haven't yet learned how much I love to kiss and, believe me, it trumps talking every time."

Lisbon couldn't decide if he was teasing her or not, but she was relieved that he hadn't been touching her as he said that, because her pulse-rate had done a little erratic leap and she'd just as soon he didn't know the effect he was having on her just yet. Best to try and retain some semblance of control over the situation.

Jane looked at her and took pity. He might as well let her feel like she was in control, since he knew it made her happy. And a happy Lisbon meant a happy Jane, which was a win-win situation.

"Okay, I'll start," he said. "What made you pick the daffodil poem if you didn't know it was me? If I hadn't been so busy hyperventilating about the fact that you wanted to meet me, I would have found 'For oft, when on my couch I lie, in vacant or in pensive mood' quite spooky. Perhaps you knew it was me on some subliminal level."

"Oh, Shadow often reminded me of you, actually. It didn't for a moment occur to me that it _was_ you, though, because I never thought you would confide in someone so openly and honestly. Shows how much I know. As far as the poem goes – that was triggered by you, not me. You mentioned Wordsworth, and the daffodil poem is one of his most famous, so perhaps it was more a case of you sending me subliminal messages about who you were and me missing it completely."

"Or it was just a coincidence."

"I thought you didn't believe in coincidences?"

"When I have such astounding evidence to the contrary? I'd much prefer to believe in coincidences than in fate."

"Jane, that's so sweet. You secretly think fate brought us together." Lisbon's face was alight with teasing mischief.

"Didn't I _just_ say that I didn't believe it was fate?"

"Nope. You said you'd _prefer_ not to believe it was fate, not that you _didn't_ believe."

"Potayto, potahto," Jane said, a little grumpily. He'd never been very good at graciously conceding defeat when he'd been outmanoeuvred. "What I meant was that coincidence is simply the laws of probability playing out in someone's life. To that person it seems extraordinary, but actually they're just an inevitable statistic. Take us meeting on the internet, for instance. Let's say the chances of that happening are one in fifty million, which makes it sound astronomically unlikely. But when you remember that there are a lot more than fifty million people using the internet, then you realise that it's simple maths that this apparently astonishing coincidence is bound to happen to a very tiny percentage of internet users. Because it happened to us, it seems extraordinary, but it was going to happen to someone, so why not us?"

"Thank you for the treatise on statistical probability, Professor. And there was me thinking you found numbers boring."

"People are more quirkily interesting, but numbers have a certain magic of their own. Music, for instance, is just numbers expressed in sound. And computers and the internet function on numbers, so all our correspondence was humble ones and zeros miraculously transformed into life-changing words."

Lisbon reached out and took his hand, linking her fingers through his. Jane smiled at her. He'd forgotten how much he loved to touch and be touched by a woman he loved.

"Well," Lisbon said firmly, "I have no problem believing that fate brought us together. Twice, because we were too stupid to figure it out the first time."

"Speak for yourself," Jane said, with a grin. "I always thought we'd end up together eventually; I just hadn't yet figured out the right strategy to get us to that point. You're not exactly... how shall I put this?...uh, approachable."

"This from the man who claims he can seduce anyone."

"But I didn't just want to seduce you. I wanted you lock, stock and barrel. That's a lot trickier."

He tugged her hand to pull her closer to him, so she shifted until she was leaning against him. He bent down and said softly in her ear, "I love you."

She turned her big eyes to him in surprise, then a smile tugged up the corners of her lips and she said, "I love you too."

Jane grinned. "Well there's a conversation stopper, if ever there was one. Surely that's our cue to move on to more exciting activities?"

"I haven't slept in over 24 hours, and I bet you haven't either. Right now, that seems like the most exciting activity in the world."

Lisbon did look as though she was fading a bit. She wasn't as accustomed to sleep deprivation as Jane was.

"I guess that's proof that we're not 22 anymore – if we'd needed any proof," Jane said, stroking her hair off her face and realising just how tired she looked. "Are you going to send me home to pine, or can I stay and sleep here?"

"Stay," Lisbon said. "You can even sleep next to me on my bed, if you promise to be a gentleman."

Jane was a little sceptical about his chances of remaining a gentleman for any significant length of time, but he was willing to give it a shot. He'd certainly never try anything without Lisbon's encouragement, so it was really entirely up to her what did or didn't happen. She was, after all, the boss.

"Your wish is my command," he said, and, in this context at least, he was being perfectly truthful.

00000

When Lisbon woke many hours later, she found that it was already getting dark. She was lying on her side, and could feel the warm, solid length of her favourite Shadow lying at her back. One of his arms enclosed her protectively and she could tell by his breathing that he was sleeping peacefully. She very carefully shifted herself onto her back so that she could look at him, and as she moved, she heard a piece of paper rustle beneath her shoulder. She reached up to see what it was and discovered a piece of folded paper on the pillow next to her with the words "My beautiful Orion" on the front.

Glancing at the still sleeping man beside her, she opened his letter and read it in the gathering gloom.

"_My darling Teresa_

"_Sometimes it's easier to say the things you want to say in a letter, and there are so many things I want to say to you that might never get said if I don't write them down. I want us to keep writing to each other, so that we never lose what we found when we were Shadow and Orion. Does that make me a coward? While there are many things I want to say to you in person, my love, there are many others that I'd prefer to put in a love letter. It helps me to break through barriers that I can't seem to shift any other way, and enables me to learn new habits that I might otherwise be afraid to learn. Plus, I can be as soppy as I like without getting distracted by you laughing at me. And I should warn you – I can be very soppy indeed. If you thought the other incarnations of Patrick Jane were a handful, you might want to brace yourself for Patrick Jane in love!_

"_Thank you for waiting for me, Lisbon. Thank you for accepting me in all my glorious failure. Thank you for loving me in spite of myself._

"_I want you to know that although the ones I have loved and lost will always be a big part of who I am, my love for them does not in any way diminish what I feel for you. If anything, my loss has taught me to love more wonderingly, more passionately, more tenderly and more truly than I was ever capable of before._

"_I can never tell you enough how beautiful you are and how much I love you._

"_Yours always, Patrick"_

Traitorous tears forced their way out of the corners of Lisbon's eyes, and trickled down her cheeks. How had she known this man for so many years and yet had no real idea of what he was like under the mask he always wore? He was as vulnerable as a tortoise without a shell and as sweet and romantic as a twelve year old girl.

Deciding he wouldn't mind if she woke him up, she began to kiss him softly, first on the eyelids and then on his lips. Jane responded immediately, even though he was still half-asleep. He hadn't been joking about how much he liked to kiss. She could feel him smiling against her lips.

"I take it you read my letter," he said, as her lips strayed off his mouth and along his chin. "There's nothing like a good love letter to get a girl to abandon her principles and toss the requirement for gentlemanly behaviour out the window."

Lisbon smacked his chest hard enough to make him remember that she was a lot tougher than he was, but she didn't stop kissing him, so he didn't much mind. He did think, though, that it was high time he got the physical upper hand in their relationship, so without warning he rolled her over until he was lying on top of her, looking down into her startled face. Captivated, they gazed at each other for a few breathless, motionless moments, then Lisbon said softly, "Yes, I'd love us to keep writing to each other. You can write letters like that to me all day long if you want to."

Jane gave her a big smile, which she returned. Both of them were at that moment happier than they had ever imagined they could be. And since happiness was such a rare, capricious visitor in their lives they were both eager to let go of all their worries and cares and concerns and lose themselves in their moment of unexpected joy. Tonight was the start of a new chapter in their lives, and they intended to make it memorable.

THE END


End file.
